The census is out, and the numbers are scary. Very scary indeed. It seems that Leinster is the only province which has more women than men.

From my thinking, there are two possible explanations for this: mass murder… or something much worse.

It’s possible (we can only hope so) that the muck-savages have been drowning their daughters. Maybe they’re worried about dowries, or maybe it’s because farmers have such an insane fear of writing wills that they figure it’s easier to just kill off the children they don’t want to inherit the farm.

The other alternative is much worse: their red-faced, fleshy women have been coming to Dublin.

This is a horrifying thought, as it can only lead to terror in the remaining female specimens who will live in fear of being tagged and brought home to the barn for mating; so they’ll come to Dublin too.

It’s only a matter of time before the hairier cultchies start to come to Dublin, following the musky trail of the female of the species, leaving only a barren, post-apocalyptic, wasteland out there beyond the pale, and coming to a capitol city crowded like the black hole of Calcutta from the Dublin mountains to Howth with the worst kind of dregs complaining about how busy the streets are.

Don’t get me wrong now, some of my best friends are cultchies… but I wouldn’t let my daughter marry one.